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War is over

War is over

O.T.O. Groups Announce Worldwide Reunification

16th December 2004 a.v.

London (Petronius).  At a conference held for the 100th anniversary year of the reception of The Book of the Law, candidates representing the rival factions of O.T.O. (U.S. – Switzerland – Brazil – U.K.) today announced a consensus agreement to implement a 12-step reunification plan.  The plan is designed to enable the various groups to unite into a single company, which would be floated on the stock-market in 2007.

A spokesman for the U.S. O.T.O. franchise chain said, “For a long time we have been worried by the growth in the market for X° charters.  At the moment, practically anyone with a passing interest in Led Zeppelin can obtain one.  That is why we never obtained one ourselves.”

The news came as a surprise to many City analysts, who had expected the various groups to continue passing themselves off as charitable organizations.  One trader remarked, “At the moment, the net assets of the various groups do not amount to a whole hill of beans, but these are magic beans.”

The general reaction was one of optimism, and some brokers estimate that if the merger of the 57 varieties of O.T.O. goes ahead, there may be some interest from speculators.

The official press release, which summarises the 12-step plan, is as follows:

  1. The Office of the O.H.O. will be replaced by Microsoft Word SpellCheck™.
  2. Each Independent Autonomous Group now in existence will become a National Kingdom under the Constitution of the O.T.O., provided that the By-laws of each respective Grand Lodge can be proved to have originated with Crowley.
  3. Lodges will be granted appropriate Charters under the new O.T.O.® if at least one member can plausibly pretend to have obtained a Samâdhi (claims of 8°=3Square do not qualify).
  4. Prize Draw tickets for every Lodge will be awarded based upon the number of initiates who have been successfully subjected to either
           a) general opprobrium (MUST result in expulsion from the Lodge)
           or
           b) Qabalistic/A∴A∴ misdirection (member MUST have accidentally invoked his Evil Genius as a direct result)
    (Bonus tickets will be awarded to Lodges according to the number of members who can validly demonstrate their being possessed of Messianic delusions.1The real Messiah will of course have been excluded by point (a); therefore any kind of enlightenment, or pretention thereto, will qualify.)
  5. The first O.T.O.® member to successfully “convey” the Stélé of Revealing from its place in the Cairo Museum will automatically be the head of a new World Government.
  6. The use of drugs in rituals will result in official censure, but secret approval.
  7. All published copies of the sex-magick instructions of Baphomet XI° (Aleister Crowley) will be regarded as obscene literature, and will be suppressed for the benefit of humanity.

[Steps 8-12 inc. are an Official Secret of the Order, and will consequently appear in a limited edition of 93 copies in 2012.]

The agreement on the 12-step plan prompted the enigmatic William Breeze to make a rare appearance outside his house in London, where he has been hiding for the last ten years from ruthless gangs of vigilante cut-throats who have been posting scary photos of his former U.S. residence on the internet, and who have been tracking his movements by reading the album sleeves of the latest “Coil” records.  Mr. Breeze is reported to have said.2“Unfortunately, due to a congenital deformity, I can only communicate in footnotes.”  His companion, the 20-foot hedgehog named “Spiny Norman”, was unavailable for comment.

Despite the general enthusiasm there were, however, signs of discontent amongst some extremist groups.  Members of the radical U.K.-based “Hasummadath al-Din” movement, who boycotted the talks held in Santa Barbara over the weekend, were in consultation as to their Next Step.  An unnamed spokesman was reported as saying, “We shall each fight tyranny and superstition, and we shall never surrender!  Al-A’ainu Akbar!”  This comment was dismissed by the spokesman for the U.K. Kingdom of the new O.T.O.® who is recorded as having said, whilst running away from a Cairo hotel, “I have the backing to take them to court!”

In a move calculated to impress, the newly constituted O.T.O.® immediately reacted to the attacks of dissident groups by launching a new committee, headed by P.R. König and authorised to engage in a campaign of “incomprehension and awe”.  The O.T.O.® spin-doctors were also hard at work to win the hearts and minds of O.T.O.® members, and rolled forth their new slogan: “We need a general representative for the mavericks!”, designed to strike at the very heart of dissidency.

“It is important that our message is heard,” said MS Word 2003®, heroically avoiding the use of the passive voice, whilst at the same time suggesting the use of “be heard” instead (consider revising), “and it is therefore imperative that every Thelemite accept our definition of Hadit.  Obviously, that is unique to every individual, and is therefore the atomic unit.”

1 The real Messiah will of course have been excluded by point (a); therefore any kind of enlightenment, or pretention thereto, will qualify.

2 “Unfortunately, due to a congenital deformity, I can only communicate in footnotes.”