Witches Really Are Evil
25th December 2004 a.v.
London (Petronius). In a sensational move, the Pagan Federation today announced that witches really are evil, and are planning the doom of Christianity. “The tree-hugging and flowers in our hair was just a ruse,” cackled newly-appointed Hag-in-Chief Hilda Higgenbottom, before setting out her “final solution” to permanently rid the world of Christians.
Her colleague, Deputy Harridan-General Maxine Chatterfax, followed the initial declaration with a lecture on the subject of the “Überwomenschen” or “Mistress Race”, mystically descended from a line of dread pixies that lived in the land of Na Na Ogg. “They had very sharg prongs,” she said, “for sticking up the jacksie.”
Assistant Grand Gorgon Amanda St. John then ritually drenched three Anglican Bishops in tar before crucifying and igniting them, to the rhythmical chant of “Blasted be!” from the hysterical throng. Moments before he was engulfed in flames, one of the Bishops could clearly be heard to say, “Be of good cheer, Bishop Fingers, and play the man, for you shall this day be such a candle in England as I trust by God’s grace shall not be an incitement to religious hatred.”
A Christian spokesman, with amazing prescience, said: “The Anglican Church takes the attitude that it’s all disgusting and depraved, whatever the question is.” The statement was warmly praised by Buddhists.
Then, in an act of extraordinary contrition, the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. Rowan Williams, said: “We’re really very sorry for everything: that is what Christianity is all about. We were only following God’s orders. You are talking about the paedophilia, aren’t you?”
Litigious would-be Thelemic monopolists the U.S. O.T.O. were again displaying a keen interest in protecting the literary legacy of Aleister Crowley from unscrupulous profiteers not from Texas. They announced that since the Wiccan rituals contain material written by Aleister Crowley, any unlicensed public performance of the rituals, and any use of phrases from The Gnostic Mass or The Book of the Law, is illegal.
Returning from her quotidian crepuscular scopatic aeronautics, Crone-Commandress Hilda Higgenbottom refused to be exploded, insisting instead that an injunction should be served at her Cumbrian hovel, where her personal staff – an ethereal newt and an astral badger – would take notice.
Germaine Greer was unavailable for comment.
